Miracles of Misery

Still jobless and facing more uncertainty in the future. I don't know where my life is leading or what will happen but I do know where I've been and what's been in my life up until now.

Tonight is the eve of my last Air Force Reserve drill and 3 nights away from the end of my military career. As much as I want to retire and collect a paycheck for the rest of my life in 5 years, I don't know if I want to continue this fake life in the military. It's become quite bothersome. It seems like I'm underachieving and that's my fault but it also feels like I wasn't meant to do more in the military than I have. I know we all make our own luck but every time I try, I come up with less than satisfactory results.

I need to put in for two jobs this weekend and make sure they are good attempts because my unemployment checks are running out and my luck at winning the lottery is that God does not intend for me to ever have the satisfaction of having a lot of money. What I do know is that God has not helped in the misery my past has put me through. I need him to work miracles or blessings into my life and I'm not really seeing anything. I know I have kids and a wife that love me despite all of the uncertainty in our future. I just want to be successful for them and I have no idea where to start or how to get my life back on the track that God wants me to be on. I know He has already made my path in this life but for me that path is full of darkness and despair at this moment. I need the light. I need to know things are going to be okay. I feel like things are going to be fine sometime but will it take a dramatic drop in my life to turn things around? I don't want anymore despair, God.  I have been through enough. My sisters and mother have been through enough of it. You know the score God and the score has not been in our favor with your light. The transgressions in this life are numerous and I feel like they all started with that stepfather of mine. The alcohol and the abuse. Then Jason's death. Or before that, let's back up. The felonious treatment of my stepfather. The fact an uncle of mine shot another. Two brothers in the same family! The life my mom lived at one point. Her tax problems. My wife's child support problems and her student loans where she didn't even come close to gaining a credit's worth of college. My sister is losing her son to Japan and a man who doesn't care even the tiniest bit about her. Sure there are things that she could have done better but from what I know, she hasn't turned to unfavorable ways to cope with her life. Neither have I, really. My mom, sisters, wife and I should all have alcohol or drug problems with the way life has gone for us but we haven't stooped to those lows. I try to trust in you God. I try to put my faith in you without going to church and it seems like that might be the key to open the door. I look at this way though Lord: The time I tried to go to church and try to live right, I was rewarded with a first wife who cheated, got pregnant with him and lied to me at the start of our own relationship. I think she has finally turned her life around years ago and I bet she still goes to church. But she hasn't forgiven me and if she has, she has forsaken me. She won't even talk about our life with me. She treats me like a leper. Hell, a lot of people in life treat me that way. I always look angry even when I'm not but you don't seem to be helping. Let's continue the list God: Baldness before the age of 30. What was that about? Why have you done that to me? Height is 5'6". If I didn't know any better I'd say when I was conceived, you looked into my mother and touched me with a hand that said, "My son, you will grow up with a road full of blockages and you will not live a happy life." I truly believe that. It truly disgusts me. You have not worked any blessings into my life and I feel like I should have probably ended it a long time ago. But, no, you stole that carrot from me when you let my brother pull the trigger on his own life. Now I have two kids and a second wife and a mom and two sisters and a grandmother and a greatgrandmother and 5 generations are blessed to share this cursed road with me. It is a blessing to have 5 generations alive and well, but if we can't see each other, what's the point? Anyway, all those people would be left behind to grieve for me and I can't do that to them. That's your miracle of life that you have blessed them with. But what about me? I am doomed to live this life and face this misery without any hint of being released from the torture my soul is enduring. Thanks God, you're truly a miracle worker. You're truly working miracles in my life. Miracles of Misery.