Still jobless and facing more uncertainty in the future. I don't know where my life is leading or what will happen but I do know where I've been and what's been in my life up until now.
Tonight is the eve of my last Air Force Reserve drill and 3 nights away from the end of my military career. As much as I want to retire and collect a paycheck for the rest of my life in 5 years, I don't know if I want to continue this fake life in the military. It's become quite bothersome. It seems like I'm underachieving and that's my fault but it also feels like I wasn't meant to do more in the military than I have. I know we all make our own luck but every time I try, I come up with less than satisfactory results.
I need to put in for two jobs this weekend and make sure they are good attempts because my unemployment checks are running out and my luck at winning the lottery is that God does not intend for me to ever have the satisfaction of having a lot of money. What I do know is that God has not helped in the misery my past has put me through. I need him to work miracles or blessings into my life and I'm not really seeing anything. I know I have kids and a wife that love me despite all of the uncertainty in our future. I just want to be successful for them and I have no idea where to start or how to get my life back on the track that God wants me to be on. I know He has already made my path in this life but for me that path is full of darkness and despair at this moment. I need the light. I need to know things are going to be okay. I feel like things are going to be fine sometime but will it take a dramatic drop in my life to turn things around? I don't want anymore despair, God. I have been through enough. My sisters and mother have been through enough of it. You know the score God and the score has not been in our favor with your light. The transgressions in this life are numerous and I feel like they all started with that stepfather of mine. The alcohol and the abuse. Then Jason's death. Or before that, let's back up. The felonious treatment of my stepfather. The fact an uncle of mine shot another. Two brothers in the same family! The life my mom lived at one point. Her tax problems. My wife's child support problems and her student loans where she didn't even come close to gaining a credit's worth of college. My sister is losing her son to Japan and a man who doesn't care even the tiniest bit about her. Sure there are things that she could have done better but from what I know, she hasn't turned to unfavorable ways to cope with her life. Neither have I, really. My mom, sisters, wife and I should all have alcohol or drug problems with the way life has gone for us but we haven't stooped to those lows. I try to trust in you God. I try to put my faith in you without going to church and it seems like that might be the key to open the door. I look at this way though Lord: The time I tried to go to church and try to live right, I was rewarded with a first wife who cheated, got pregnant with him and lied to me at the start of our own relationship. I think she has finally turned her life around years ago and I bet she still goes to church. But she hasn't forgiven me and if she has, she has forsaken me. She won't even talk about our life with me. She treats me like a leper. Hell, a lot of people in life treat me that way. I always look angry even when I'm not but you don't seem to be helping. Let's continue the list God: Baldness before the age of 30. What was that about? Why have you done that to me? Height is 5'6". If I didn't know any better I'd say when I was conceived, you looked into my mother and touched me with a hand that said, "My son, you will grow up with a road full of blockages and you will not live a happy life." I truly believe that. It truly disgusts me. You have not worked any blessings into my life and I feel like I should have probably ended it a long time ago. But, no, you stole that carrot from me when you let my brother pull the trigger on his own life. Now I have two kids and a second wife and a mom and two sisters and a grandmother and a greatgrandmother and 5 generations are blessed to share this cursed road with me. It is a blessing to have 5 generations alive and well, but if we can't see each other, what's the point? Anyway, all those people would be left behind to grieve for me and I can't do that to them. That's your miracle of life that you have blessed them with. But what about me? I am doomed to live this life and face this misery without any hint of being released from the torture my soul is enduring. Thanks God, you're truly a miracle worker. You're truly working miracles in my life. Miracles of Misery.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
The Initial Thoughts
Starting a blog can be so treacherous as you don't know where to start and a million things are running through your head. You want to say everything at once and your mind feels like it wants to implode because so much is just aching to get out of there. So without further adieu, I will begin by saying my life is a crapshoot of unenviable circumstances and littered intermittently with the positive experiences.
The thing that is bothering me most is the way my commander has let me down in light of some very trying times. For one, I am unemployed and my wife is working in a store where she doesn't even make enough to sustain our old habits. Another is I sold myself out for an attempt at another active duty shot in the United States Air Force and came up surprisingly empty.
When I first went to the recruiter I was told I would need to be no more than 170 lbs and retake the ASVAB. When he measured my height and weight, I was at 5'6" and 186 lbs. I had to lose 16 lbs to even get consideration. I also needed to supply a plethora of information. Anyway, at that time I felt like the road to lose the weight was impossible and maybe I should just give up the thought. Instead I went home and began the process.
For a month and a half, I endured constant workouts that involved some light weight training followed by vigorous cardio training. I even spent some days in the gym where I would do cardio for three hours in an attempt to speed up the weight-loss process. I then cut down on red meat consumption and cut out hamburger meat altogether. I cut out the sodas and limited my intake of chocolate, both of which I enjoy very much. I started on a diet of cabbage soup and went through almost a month of eating that 75% of the time. The end result was that I lost the weight quickly and was down to 170 by the end of January.
The end of January brought up my PT test and I was dreading it very much. I had never scored well and I was always fluctuating between the marginal score of 75 and 80. The last PT test had netted me a score near 81. Well, I took this PT test and did better than I could have imagined. The PT test consists of a timed minute each of push-ups and sit-ups, a waist measurement and a 1.5 mile run. The run and the waist was where most of my concern was as they each made up a substantial chunk. The run accounts for 60% of the score and my results had always left more to be desired. The times I would run it in were between 13-15 minutes. The waist measurements would always fluctuate between 36 and 38.5. It seems like those results would be close to the same for me and I embarked on my journey through the test with trepidation.
The first part of the test was the waist measurement and it came out at a shocking 32.5 cm! That meant the whole 20 points were made leaving me with at least 55 points to go for the passing score of 75. The next test was the pushups and I hammered out 57 to get all but a half point for my effort. The score was now 29.5 with two more tests left. The sit-ups were a piece of cake and I squeezed out 68 repetitions and getting the full ten points to make the score 39.5. The run was last and the trepidation was at an all-time high as not only would I need at least 37 points to pass but I would also be running in 24-degree weather that day. All I was wearing was shorts, a shirt and wind-jacket and a watch-cap to keep my head and ears as warm as I could. We got out there and would have to wait as there were people already running their parts of the test.
The wait was just adding more thoughts of trepidation even though I would have to run it in 14:50 to pass. I know I had been working out hard in the cardio rooms but I always felt my run would be the lynch pin to either a bombed test or a successful but unsound result. As the last runners/walkers were finishing up, I got my iPod ready to start the 6 laps around the track. By the way, I always run worse around the track. So as we lined up, the tester called my number and asked me if I was sure I was good to go as we had been out in the weather for awhile and I was only wearing shorts. I acknowledged I was ready and we started. Saving a lap-by-lap account, all I need to say is that I was running third out of a group of about ten people. In front of me was a lanky guy who was a good friend of mine and a guy whose civilian job is that of a personal trainer. The personal trainer though was a muscle dominated guy who didn't have the lankiness of the one who was in second. I am built closer to the first guy but was much trimmer than he and a little more mass dominated than the other. Anyway, I was trailing the first guy by about a half lap to 3/4 and was running fairly close to the second when Lap 4 started. I eventually passed the second guy, SSgt Hill, and started to break away from him a bit. By the fifth lap I was on the heels of the first guy and passed him. The 6th lap started and he had passed me to take over the lead and the Hill was gaining on both of us. I ended up retaking the lead around the second turn and came out of the third turn noticing Arvelo was turning it up in an attempt to outrun me in the final stretch. I could also feel Hill gaining and just said no way. They weren't beating me that day. I sold out and managed to cross first at 12:20, Hill finished behind me at 12:21 and Arvelo came in at 12:23. The cold weather had worked to my advantage that day and I beat the usually dominant Hill. I let him know about it too! LOL
Anyway, the overall score I got on the test was a new personal best of 88.5! Hill and Arvelo still scored higher overall but I took bragging rights for the run. So, I had finally lost the weight needed and scored a 90 on the ASVAB (when I took it in 1996, I scored 78). I was coming off a personal best PT score and I was ready to have my package evaluated for active duty.
It turned out that I would be let down by something in my past and that will come in the next blog entry. For now, I am taking a break and let my mind and fingers recuperate.
The thing that is bothering me most is the way my commander has let me down in light of some very trying times. For one, I am unemployed and my wife is working in a store where she doesn't even make enough to sustain our old habits. Another is I sold myself out for an attempt at another active duty shot in the United States Air Force and came up surprisingly empty.
When I first went to the recruiter I was told I would need to be no more than 170 lbs and retake the ASVAB. When he measured my height and weight, I was at 5'6" and 186 lbs. I had to lose 16 lbs to even get consideration. I also needed to supply a plethora of information. Anyway, at that time I felt like the road to lose the weight was impossible and maybe I should just give up the thought. Instead I went home and began the process.
For a month and a half, I endured constant workouts that involved some light weight training followed by vigorous cardio training. I even spent some days in the gym where I would do cardio for three hours in an attempt to speed up the weight-loss process. I then cut down on red meat consumption and cut out hamburger meat altogether. I cut out the sodas and limited my intake of chocolate, both of which I enjoy very much. I started on a diet of cabbage soup and went through almost a month of eating that 75% of the time. The end result was that I lost the weight quickly and was down to 170 by the end of January.
The end of January brought up my PT test and I was dreading it very much. I had never scored well and I was always fluctuating between the marginal score of 75 and 80. The last PT test had netted me a score near 81. Well, I took this PT test and did better than I could have imagined. The PT test consists of a timed minute each of push-ups and sit-ups, a waist measurement and a 1.5 mile run. The run and the waist was where most of my concern was as they each made up a substantial chunk. The run accounts for 60% of the score and my results had always left more to be desired. The times I would run it in were between 13-15 minutes. The waist measurements would always fluctuate between 36 and 38.5. It seems like those results would be close to the same for me and I embarked on my journey through the test with trepidation.
The first part of the test was the waist measurement and it came out at a shocking 32.5 cm! That meant the whole 20 points were made leaving me with at least 55 points to go for the passing score of 75. The next test was the pushups and I hammered out 57 to get all but a half point for my effort. The score was now 29.5 with two more tests left. The sit-ups were a piece of cake and I squeezed out 68 repetitions and getting the full ten points to make the score 39.5. The run was last and the trepidation was at an all-time high as not only would I need at least 37 points to pass but I would also be running in 24-degree weather that day. All I was wearing was shorts, a shirt and wind-jacket and a watch-cap to keep my head and ears as warm as I could. We got out there and would have to wait as there were people already running their parts of the test.
The wait was just adding more thoughts of trepidation even though I would have to run it in 14:50 to pass. I know I had been working out hard in the cardio rooms but I always felt my run would be the lynch pin to either a bombed test or a successful but unsound result. As the last runners/walkers were finishing up, I got my iPod ready to start the 6 laps around the track. By the way, I always run worse around the track. So as we lined up, the tester called my number and asked me if I was sure I was good to go as we had been out in the weather for awhile and I was only wearing shorts. I acknowledged I was ready and we started. Saving a lap-by-lap account, all I need to say is that I was running third out of a group of about ten people. In front of me was a lanky guy who was a good friend of mine and a guy whose civilian job is that of a personal trainer. The personal trainer though was a muscle dominated guy who didn't have the lankiness of the one who was in second. I am built closer to the first guy but was much trimmer than he and a little more mass dominated than the other. Anyway, I was trailing the first guy by about a half lap to 3/4 and was running fairly close to the second when Lap 4 started. I eventually passed the second guy, SSgt Hill, and started to break away from him a bit. By the fifth lap I was on the heels of the first guy and passed him. The 6th lap started and he had passed me to take over the lead and the Hill was gaining on both of us. I ended up retaking the lead around the second turn and came out of the third turn noticing Arvelo was turning it up in an attempt to outrun me in the final stretch. I could also feel Hill gaining and just said no way. They weren't beating me that day. I sold out and managed to cross first at 12:20, Hill finished behind me at 12:21 and Arvelo came in at 12:23. The cold weather had worked to my advantage that day and I beat the usually dominant Hill. I let him know about it too! LOL
Anyway, the overall score I got on the test was a new personal best of 88.5! Hill and Arvelo still scored higher overall but I took bragging rights for the run. So, I had finally lost the weight needed and scored a 90 on the ASVAB (when I took it in 1996, I scored 78). I was coming off a personal best PT score and I was ready to have my package evaluated for active duty.
It turned out that I would be let down by something in my past and that will come in the next blog entry. For now, I am taking a break and let my mind and fingers recuperate.
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